Sunday, 23 November 2014

A Personal Post #2: One Year

Today I am going to be writing my second ever, very personal and slightly painful blog post, a year on from my first one. You're probably thinking why am I writing it if I find it a bit painful, but the truth is, I never really talk about this to anyone in real life and I suppose my blog is a good way of letting it out, almost like therapy I suppose. I've always struggled with talking about my feelings IRL but I find it ever so slightly easier to write about.

A year ago I lost my step dad to throat cancer after a long and gruelling 2 year battle. He was in my life for over a decade and was 'my mum's boyfriend' for the majority but they married within the last few weeks of his life. It was something they wanted to do once he got better but once we got the slightly surprising news he was terminal, they decided to marry as soon as they could to give him one last happy moment. Sadly, despite being given a year or so to live he was only with us for a few more weeks. The end was the most traumatic few days I have ever witnessed and something I've tried to push to the back of my mind but creeps back up on me when it gets to the 24th, 25th and 26th of every month and especially now it's the first anniversary. He passed away the day after my 22nd birthday (weirdly at 4.30am which is the exact time I was born) after 2 days in a coma after a major blood loss. When I look back I can't believe how different my life was during his cancer battle. He spent months in hospital after having his voice box removed and shit loads of treatment so my life consisted of juggling uni alongside daily hospital visits then when he was back home my mum and I became like his carers. We were all pretty depressed and ill from the stress of it all.

One year on and so much has changed. I know it's cliche but it really made me realise that life is so unexpected and short that you have to do whatever makes you happy. Act on your dreams, get rid of negative people in your life, say yes to more things. I've lost friends (it's so true that you realise who your real friends are during times like these), I've graduated uni and I've started my own business all in the space of a year and I'm so much happier now. It sucks that Chris isn't here to see any of this happen but I know how proud he would be of my Mum and I. The hardest part of the loss for me is knowing that I never fully appreciated how much of a fatherly support Chris was to me until the end and I'm so annoyed at myself for all the times I was a moody hormonal teenager and mean to him. So if I could give anyone any advice, it would be:

Don't wait until it's too late to appreciate someone
Act on your dreams
Life's too short to be unhappy so remove anything negative from it
Look after your health
Experience more- say yes to more things!

I don't want to come across in a way like ohhh poor me I've had such a hard time, because I hate that and I don't feel like that at all. Everyone has their own shit to deal with and no one else will ever fully understand what another person is going through. This is probably the last time I will speak about this on here but if anyone else ever wants to chat about anything, please feel free to get in touch. I know that grieving can be a really lonely time.

I'm not sure how to end this but just remember to enjoy life as much as you can :) <3 xxx


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my great grandma last year on the 4th of July (she was 103!!) and so now that holiday is a bit tough for me. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and you are an amazing human being with endless opportunities! :-)

  2. I don't think you ever get over losing someone who is close to you, you just learn to deal with it. It's not always easy telling people how shit you feel about the situation so it makes sense to bottle everything up although this becomes a burden upon ourselves. I think it's a great idea that you write these sort of posts as you can lift some weight off your shoulders. I'm so sorry for your lost and I hope that with time it will get easier for you. Stay strong! Xx

  3. Such a brave and beautiful post. I lost my dad to lung cancer when I was a teen so know better than some what it's like to survive something so awful. That was 7 years ago and everything is easier now but forever changed because he isn't here. The best we can do is keep going, I think. :) Be proud of how far you have come! xoxo

  4. Thanks for writing this. It’s an inspiring read. My boyfriends Mum has terminal cancer and it’s very difficult watching someone go through that pain. It’s hard to know what to say. I don’t think there are many people who’s lives haven’t been touched by this disease.


  5. Your an inspiration Helli, This is brave and I'm sure Chris would be proud of you for writing this. You made me cry! Confetti's will always be here for you. Love you lots xxx

  6. Much lovel Helena! you are very brave, and you deserve every success! xxx

  7. Very inspiring post. I recently was thinking about life and how short it is, how much I should enjoy every second of it and not worry too much or want too much. In the end, the health and happiness of yourself, your friends & family is what counts. Thanks for writing this!

    xo Charlotte - aliceroxy

  8. Showing how you can come out of something so sad and terrible with a positive attitude is so inspiring, made me really well up reading this but obviously you are a tough cookie. I am sure he would be very proud of you and your new bizz :-) nice to see you the other day, take care love xx

  9. big love to you, and thanks for sharing!